My Depiction of Anxiety

It is very rare that I am speechless, but in recent months I haven’t had much to say. When I created this site my mission was to write weekly. I wanted to share my story with the world while encouraging those who needed mental relief. However, I let life get in the way of what I was purposed to do. We all have gifts and some of us go a lifetime without using them. Up until today that was me, I was becoming stagnant and skeptic. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life and I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to step into my destiny. In previous posts that I’ve written, I emphasized the importance of fighting for what you want in life and withstanding resistance. It is about time I took my own advice, but before I can do that I want to express to you what almost hindered my will to live a purposeful life.

As some of you reading this may know, life for me in recent years has been marked by many challenges. One of my biggest challenges to date is living with generalized anxiety disorder. When I was first diagnosed two years ago, I didn’t think everything I was feeling could be associated with a mental illness. During the diagnosis process, I saw several specialists, some even made a mockery of my symptoms. This period of my life was filled with many frustrations, the only thing I wanted was to feel “normal” again. Fast forward to the present day, I’ve learned a lot about mental health and I want to bring awareness to others. That said I want to share with you my depiction of anxiety.


For starters every morning I wake up I feel “normal”. I go through my morning routine without a hitch. Then suddenly my mind fills with panicked thoughts. I try to ignore them and recite my personal mantras, I am smart, I am an overcomer, I am bold, I am courageous and I am healthy, but those don’t suffice. Searching for a distraction I read my daily devotion, say my prayers and attempt to eat breakfast. After my routine is complete I mentally prepare myself to leave the house. The world can be a scary place outside of the four walls I call home, but life stops for no one. Once I get in my car my chest tightens, vision blurs and neck stiffens. I brace myself for my first panic attack of the day. Breathing deeply I try to look myself in the eyes in my rearview mirror and tell myself that I am “okay”. Pressed for time I buckle my seat belt, turn on some upbeat jams and brace myself for the traffic that lies ahead. Speaking of traffic it’s the worse. Once I arrive at my destination my heart begins to race and I feel the flutters. Not understanding what’s causing such feelings panic sets in. Trying to relax my mind I recite scriptures, say prayers, but the panic never ends. I continue throughout my day as positive as I can, after all, I don’t want to draw attention to myself. Once my day finally comes to an end I feel excited. I can return to my four walls away from the chaos and rest my eyes. At least when I sleep there is some sort of peace, because after a long day my mind has finally shut off. Even though I’ve shared my experience with anxiety, each day is different.  Most days there’s a hopelessness I feel and I wonder if I will ever get better. In moments of panic, I think back on the days when worrying wasn’t the only thing that consumed my mind. How I’d love to go back in time.


I said all this to say, in reading this I’m sure there are skeptics and individuals that don’t understand the severity of mental illness. For those who can’t understand, some days I don’t either. It’s mind-boggling to look “normal” on the outside while you’re enduring a personal hell on the inside. While anxiety is the most challenging obstacle I’ve faced it has taught me patience. For those battling mental illness or any illness for that matter, keep pushing and practice patience. More importantly for those who are skeptical or lack understanding of mental illness, educate yourself. As I wrap up this post, I want to remind you to be kind to your neighbor for you never know what they are going through.




Withstanding Resistance

Imagine preparing for the biggest fight of your life.  After months of preparation and training, you are ready to complete the task. There is only one thing between you and victory: your opponent.  Optimistically approaching the ring you are determined to bring home a win when suddenly you glance at the competition. No time for panic the fight is about to commence, the announcer has taken his stance. Grabbing the microphone he rambles “let’s get ready to rumble”. Looking at your opponent you notice its giant-like stature than you realize this is the fight of your life!
boxing-555735_1920Doesn’t this scenario sound familiar? It reminds me of the biblical story of David and Goliath.  In 1 Samuel 17:50 it reads, “David triumphed over the Philistine (Goliath) with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him”. Furthermore in verse 51 “ David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine’s sword and drew it from the sheath. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword”.That is probably where the phrase “sticking a fork in it” was coined.

Moving on from that pun, my favorite thing about David was his ability to overcome adversity by literally facing a giant; his giant. David’s story mirrors everything I’m facing in my own life. After two years of battling anxiety, I am aware that mental illness is merely a giant I face every day. However, in recent months I realized my ability to overcome my giant is based solely on my mindset. Think about it, we are a product of the thoughts we allow to fill our minds.  I look at it like this, giants are roadblocks to progress and in order to successfully defeat them, we must learn to withstand resistance. 

In order to know how to withstand resistance, we have to know exactly what that is. Have you ever engaged in the game tug of war? If so, then you’d know how challenging itrope-3214773_1920 can be to come out victorious. To avoid losing the game you are constantly facing resistance. Every time you pull the other team tugs you back with an even greater force.  The whole purpose of the game is to prove one’s strength by pulling the opposing team past the central line marked on the ground. However, if the force pulling you is stronger than the power you are exerting, you will lose the battle every time. The same thing is true when we are facing our giants if we give in to the opposition of the obstacle we will never know how it feels to prevail against what’s preventing our success.

I’ve said all this to say, life as we know it is constantly throwing us curve balls. Nevertheless, we must continue to battle like its a fight and pull like its a vicious game of tug of war. You will ultimately be triumphant if you have the courage to face any form of resistance.  There will be tough days when you feel like you are in the trenches, just know better days always come.





Where do I even begin?

I haven’t written in over a month letting my gifts lay dormant. In my current mental state, there is no sense of urgency, there is no drive or determination. I’m just living the day to day barely getting by.  I am simply a shell of the person I used to be. Two years ago family and friends would describe me as optimistic, gleeful, ambitious, witty, smiley, etc. However, things have changed.

For the past few months, I have been tasked with putting the pieces of my life back together, but I haven’t had the desire to. There was a point when I thought I conquered the worse of my anxiety, then out of nowhere, it hit me like a ton of bricks, depleting me of the energy I worked so hard to obtain.

My mind has become a jumbled mess. I just want a revival. I want to find the strength within myself to improve my current mental standing. Maybe that’s just it, I can’t do it alone. As I flip through my spiritual Rolodex I find myself glancing at Isaiah 40:30-31:

                              Even youth grow tired and weary,
                          and young men stumble and fall;
                              but those who hope in the Lord
                          will renew their strength.
                         They will soar on wings like eagles;
                          they will run and not grow weary,
                           they will walk and not faint.

According to scripture if I just put my trust in the Lord it will all work out. Call me a skeptic, but that is the hardest thing for me to do. My old self would undoubtedly trust God in all things, after all, He never steered me wrong. Right now having hope in the man upstairs doesn’t sound that convincing. I know what you’re thinking, how could someone like me that grew up in the church not easily find refuge in God.

Here is why, on the night of October 24, 2015, I had hope in God that my best friend survived a horrific car accident. I prayed that she would just pick up the phone for me one last time. Then my phone rang, perplexed I answered in a panic. The voice on the other side of the phone said my best friend and three others were identified as the four women who had been killed in an auto accident. My initial thought was, that can’t be right, I trusted God and He said if I put my trust in Him everything will work out. Not in this instance, He had other plans.

That’s the tricky part, trusting God through the trials. Its been two years since the accident and I still scramble my mind trying to find the answers. Then I go back to my Rolodex and remember Isaiah 55:8-9:

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.


That is how revival occurs, by relinquishing our rights to know why life happens the way it does, doing that makes it much easier to live.

Today’s mantra: I will be revived when I exercise my ability to live life without worry.


Lying awake at night for hours on end, I find myself wondering when I will be able to sleep through the night again.  You see anxious thoughts have a way of keeping your mind awake through the night.  My mind wasn’t always a jumbled mess, but grief has a funny way of knocking the peace out of you. There were days when worrying was the last thing on my mind, but lately, it’s consumed my existence. I should know better, with my religious background the worries in my head should all melt away isn’t that what scripture says?

Philippians 4:6-7 reads: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


Trust me that scripture replays in my head every time I’m plagued by an episode of anxiety. I try to remember that God loves me and won’t put more on me than I can bear, but sometimes it’s unbearable. At times my thoughts are more powerful than my faith. I try to focus on today and let tomorrow workout itself. After all the Bible illustrated it perfectly in Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

If that be true why can’t my mind digest it? Why can’t I see past my pain?  At times I wonder if I will ever be the same? Two years ago I was living a beautifully orchestrated life with God at the forefront. I had not a worry in the world. Then an accident claimed the life of my best friend and three other friends.  Guilt-stricken, I didn’t understand why out of all the trips we’d taken I decided not to go on this one. Was it something that made my life more special then their’s that they can’t still be here? No! They were the epitome of all that life stood for. They put others before themselves, they saw the best in every living thing, it’s mind-boggling. Beware life can change in an instance.

One moment my life is perfect then next perfection is merely a facade.  Just when I thought I’d had enough pain at once, my aunt passed unexpectedly. Racking my brain for answers to life’s uncertainties only made my anxiety worse. At this point I know it can’t get any better, months later I got wind that my grandpa passed from medically-related complications.

At this point, that’s when numbness settled in. I tried to smile through the pain but couldn’t manage. I said all my prayers and recited scriptures, but the faith wasn’t there. Depression has a funny way of making you want to take a hiatus from existing.  I think that’s what did my colleague in.  Hearing the news of her untimely passing fueled my grief. I get it! Navigating through life with depression, anxiety, and PTSD is a daunting task.  It was at this point that I realized I needed help!

In January, I began trauma therapy combined with low dose medicine and yoga. It was with a clear head that I cried out to God letting go of my anger. For two years, my pain deterred me from my purpose. To be frank, God and religion was the last thing on my mind. I’d go to church, but I wouldn’t listen. Now I see what God is doing, He turned my pain into purpose.  So, today whatever has you mentally bound RELEASE it! It is okay to cry, but weeping endures for a night and joy comes in the morning. I’m not telling you what I heard, this is what I know.

Today’s Mantra: I will turn my pain into purpose!