I remember it like it was yesterday. My husband and I had just come home from my great grandmothers birthday celebration at my grandpa’s church. I remember having a panic attack during service that caused my whole body to go stiff. No one noticed which is the peculiar part of anxiety. As we were sitting at home we made dinner and scrolled through Netflix looking for our next series to binge. After picking some random show about a group of artists my husband glanced over at me with a raised brow. He had a way of knowing when something was off with me. I remember staring back at his eyes filled with tears expressing to him how I was baffled by the feelings of numbness and void I had in my heart. Weirdly enough although there was void I felt like I had everything in life I needed. I had a good husband, a nice home, a decent job, family and friends that loved and cared for me, but something was missing. My husband, being the inquisitive man he is, asked me why I felt that way and what could we do to change it. I simply shrugged my shoulders and gave him a look that read I don’t know.
After a bit of silence, I looked at him and said sometimes I wonder if being a mother would change my perspective on things and give my life meaning. I just remember speaking to women that had children and was in awe of the true love they experienced being a mother. It was something that I desired but at the same token didn’t feel ready for. Once I said that my husband looked at me cheerfully and asked if that’s what I really wanted. Looking back at his reflection I told him it was a desire of mine but not until I was mentally ready. He knew my struggles with anxiety and had been on the tumultuous journey with me. One thing that I told him was that I didn’t want to become a mother until my anxiety went away completely because I was scared of what parenthood would look like for me.
After our conversation, the week went on but little did I know I’d be in for a surprise of a lifetime. It was a Monday evening after I met with my mentor that I realized something was off. I checked the calendar and realized I was “late”. Not late to an important meeting or engagement but “late”. After my realization, I quickly called my husband he met me at Walmart and we grabbed a few boxes of pregnancy tests. I anxiously glanced at him thinking we were out of our minds. We couldn’t possibly be expecting, it wasn’t apart of our five-year plan. We scurried over to the register checked out and went home. We glanced at the bag and I jokingly said I’ll take the test because it’s not like it’ll be positive. A few minutes passed and I went into the dining room laughing hysterically. I grabbed my husband took him to the room where the test was displayed staring back at us was a positive test. Being the jokester that I am he was skeptical so he said to take another one. The same result showed up “positive”. We were filled with emotions. I was shocked, nervous and excited. My husband was in utter bliss and began looking at our finances as if our child would be born the next day.
It was at that moment that we knew our life plan didn’t matter to God. He sent our daughter in the perfect season of our lives. Fast forward to the present day we now know we were chosen. Chosen to raise a pertinent piece of the next generation, our daughter. One of the things I learned in my life is that our plans don’t always pan out the way we want them to and sometimes that’s for the better. If your plan has changed and rattled up just know it’s for the better. Even when those changed plans consist of heartache, grief, pain, and guilt just know it’s for a bigger picture. We may not be able to see what our Creator has in store, but it’s always for the betterment of our lives. Looking back on my fear of motherhood and my hesitance I now know I was being groomed for this moment all along. I want to encourage you to push past your fear because the very thing you are afraid of is the very thing you were prepared for. So, apply for that job, start that business, ask that question in doing so it could yield awesome results!