Where do I even begin?
I haven’t written in over a month letting my gifts lay dormant. In my current mental state, there is no sense of urgency, there is no drive or determination. I’m just living the day to day barely getting by. I am simply a shell of the person I used to be. Two years ago family and friends would describe me as optimistic, gleeful, ambitious, witty, smiley, etc. However, things have changed.
For the past few months, I have been tasked with putting the pieces of my life back together, but I haven’t had the desire to. There was a point when I thought I conquered the worse of my anxiety, then out of nowhere, it hit me like a ton of bricks, depleting me of the energy I worked so hard to obtain.
My mind has become a jumbled mess. I just want a revival. I want to find the strength within myself to improve my current mental standing. Maybe that’s just it, I can’t do it alone. As I flip through my spiritual Rolodex I find myself glancing at Isaiah 40:30-31:
Even youth grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not faint.
According to scripture if I just put my trust in the Lord it will all work out. Call me a skeptic, but that is the hardest thing for me to do. My old self would undoubtedly trust God in all things, after all, He never steered me wrong. Right now having hope in the man upstairs doesn’t sound that convincing. I know what you’re thinking, how could someone like me that grew up in the church not easily find refuge in God.
Here is why, on the night of October 24, 2015, I had hope in God that my best friend survived a horrific car accident. I prayed that she would just pick up the phone for me one last time. Then my phone rang, perplexed I answered in a panic. The voice on the other side of the phone said my best friend and three others were identified as the four women who had been killed in an auto accident. My initial thought was, that can’t be right, I trusted God and He said if I put my trust in Him everything will work out. Not in this instance, He had other plans.
That’s the tricky part, trusting God through the trials. Its been two years since the accident and I still scramble my mind trying to find the answers. Then I go back to my Rolodex and remember Isaiah 55:8-9:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
That is how revival occurs, by relinquishing our rights to know why life happens the way it does, doing that makes it much easier to live.
Today’s mantra: I will be revived when I exercise my ability to live life without worry.